Jon Åslund

I am currently in Greece and I wanted to spend my expensive Internet minutes on writing about one of the coolest dreams, that I have ever had. It may not sound cool to you, but that is merely because I can’t describe with mere words how extraordinary it was. It was also very detailed. I have even drawn a map of the place where the events took place. I woke up, soaking wet (yes, you are curious, I know) and couldn’t go back to sleep. Decided to write it all down. That was around 5-7 in the morning. Now I am transcribing everything from the paper to the computer.

Like all good things, it begins in a school. I am standing in a dimly lit corridor. Smooth red brick floor, white painted brick walls, soft yellow light, no windows, so no natural light. Yeah, that was school. You should have been there. Behind me is one of those big swing doors, metal at the bottom, small viewing holes. Normally you would find these in a hospital, not in a school. I don’t remember walking through them, but for some reason they are behind me. To the left, some people are crouching, looking into a glass display. It displays various objects, nicely backlit, probably the pride of the school. Some stupid medal or a photo. On the lowest shelf are lots of balls. Some of the people I know from DDRSverige. They are much younger than me, but they fit the school role quite well. The ones I can remember though are Sai (can’t remember his real name) and Johanna.

Since I have been juggling quite a bit here on the beach, with some heavy rocks, I am delighted to see some nice balls. I find a bowl full of balls that looks just like clementines. That’s great. Just what I need. And they look so real too. I slide the glass door open, grab a blue (yep!), a yellow, an orange and a green one. When I grab the green one, I notice it is rotten. Just like a real one! Fantastic, so realistic. Something is dripping. It’s the green one. On the floor there is a puddle of green fluid. Before someone has time to react, an old friend slides in from the right, shuts the sliding door, and slides back out again.

Looking down on the floor again, the puddle has almost become a pool, in any case, much more than could exist inside one clementine. Everyone has begun to panick slightly and they wonder how we will get rid of this mess, my mess, although, nobody says it’s my fault. I look up again, and try to figure out where I can find stuff to clean this up. There should be papers and stuff at a toilet. Like the toilet to the right, exactly on the other side of the glass display, where it has been all the time. Yup, all the time.

I see Jenny entering the toilet. She looks worn out, wet, as if it was raining outside, grabbing her left arm, in pain, a bit sad, but it could be all the drops of water on her face. Our eyes meet, just before she enters. Long enough to recognize that I am a person and not a monkey, but perhaps not long enough to notice it is me. Her eyes look odd.

I look down on the floor again. The pool is now even bigger and Sai is sitting down and messing with a tap on the wall and some grate in the floor. Apparently, the plan is to flush the green goo down the drain. Nice idea. Except for the fact that water suddenly starts to flow both from the drain and the tap. Everybody laughs, but Sai quickly explains “It’s not my fault”. The water keeps coming. More and more. We hear water behind us. It’s coming down the corridor like a scene from an Indiana Jones movie. I scream:

“Jenny!”. I rush through the water that is now almost up to the waist and open the toilet door. I must save her. She sits on a sink, very still, just breathing. She looks straight at me, but still doesn’t see me. Her left is arm is clearly broken. I move towards her but she raises her right hand. She doesn’t want to be saved. She grabs some wires over her left shoulder. They look very electric. She is trying to kill herself. People are screaming. “We need to get out now!”

Nothing happens.

She falls off the sink. I grab her, lift her up and slowly run towards the exit. The water is moving away. I thought a wall broke, but when we get outside, we realize why. There are cracks on ground, where the water flows down.

While carrying Jenny out, she finally realizes it is me and says it is typical of me to save her, but that it is too late. “Why did you try to kill yourself? Why do you want to die?” She leans forward as if to kiss me. I kiss her… for about half a second before I begin spitting rocks and sand. She opens her mouth. Her tongue is split in half, just like that of a snake and it is full of stones. She coughs and out pours something that looks like blood and sand. Her eyes are also different. They glow in yellow and have much more narrow pupils than normal.

“The sect I was in did this to me. I did not know. I tried to run, but it is pointless.” I say “It’s not that bad. Could be worse.” which is actually true, but probably doesn’t cheer her up. “You don’t understand. We will all die.” I had been running slowly the whole time, and was now standing at the gate. Then I saw it.

People were running, screaming. The earth has opened up. Water bursts out of some cracks and goes down in others. It is very hot. “The ones who don’t die in the earthquakes and the floods will be killed, by people that look like me.” Someone came running with a cat. When the cat noticed us, it went wild, hissing and screaming at Jenny. This was the end. End of days as John Rhys Davies said in Revelations. Earthquakes, floods and old girlfriends turning into snake creatures.

How would you look as a South Park character? I would look something like this:

Today was “skärtorsdagen” in Sweden, also known as Maundy Thursday in English. I have always wondered why the name was “pink thursday”, since skär = pink. Now, I know. It has nothing to do with pink, even though some claim that was Jesus favourite colour. Skär comes from the very old verb skära, which nobody uses today. It kind of means cleanse. Apparently, it went down something like this. Jesus and his 12 best friends decided to have a party. When they arrived, there were no servants. Everyone was pissed off, because they were so looking forward to the traditional foot bath, before the meal. After some silence, some dragging of smelly feet and some “uh-uh, I ain’t cleaning noones feet”, “man, I could really use a foot rub about now”, Jesus finally couldn’t stand the awkwardness of his lazy friends any longer and stepped forward. “Remember guys, I am not just doing this because I love you. I want you to love me back as well.” Everyone cheered “We love you Jesus!” and enjoyed their foot bath, except Peter who first refused, probably because he was so ticklish. When the cleansing of feet was over, the supper finally began and they partied like there was no tomorrow. Friday came and everyone had a hell of a hangover, especially Jesus, who someone overheard mumbling, while being nailed to the cross, “I feel like shit!”

After reading up on all that, I became so inspired that I am currently planning on having a foot bath, and eat my last supper of the day, Ben and Jerry’s Dublin Mudslide ice cream, while watching anime like there is no übermorgen.

I always thought evil minions was one of the most stupid things ever. They are always clumsy, and they die, and they are usually not very pretty. Today, I have changed my mind. I want to have an evil minion gang of fluffy kittens with wings.

They will roam freely around my nearest vicinity and destroy lots of things, on purpose, and by accident. They are clumsy, evil minions after all. However, since they are so cute, they can easily control other people by just looking at them. That’s evil! Together, we will have tea, eat cookies and watch anime while laughing at all the silly robots.

Yesterday a bought a kilo of Fruchtbonbons, to give to people at work, because I am so nice. They seemed to like it. I also took a picture of their hand in the jar. Some people who noticed me doing this quickly backed out of the offer. One of them even gave me the finger, but that was actually because she noticed me aiming at her “bonbons”, which I was, so I deserved it. The finger turned out very well. I especially like how she is giving it to me, while firmly holding on to an orange bonbon.

I am not easily scared when I watch movies, but there is this one guy that scares me regardless of where he shows up. You all know him, Willem Dafoe. Even when doing nice things, such as holding up doors to old ladies, I want to scream out “noooo, little old lady, don’t trust him, he will crush you when you are half way through”, but of course I don’t. I don’t want people to think I am crazy, because I am not. It also feels like crying Wolf. As far as I know, he never has crushed an old lady with a door. But that eerie feeling is there. I also have this fear of Willem Dafoe crushing me with a door or poking me in the head with an unsharpened pencil. So far, it hasn’t happened, but it’s just a question of time.

I asked a friend if she didn’t think that Willem Dafoe was scary. She said no, even though it was totally obvious that he was a psycho, sitting there in those normal clothes, trying to look normal. It’s not like he is fooling anyone. Even though he couldn’t possibly have heard us of course, but at the exact moment when my friend wasn’t looking, he did that thing with the finger, spinning it close to his forehead, and then pointing right at my friend to signify that she was crazy and didn’t know what she was talking about. Exactly what I was thinking. It’s like he is in my mind. Isn’t that scary?

Also, another thing that is really freaky, is when people become Willem Dafoe. Normal people, for instance on the subway, just chatting about weather, mobile phones and rent control. When you least expect it, Willem Dafoe just enters their bodies for a brief moment. He smiles, that typical uncute Willem Dafoe smile of his, and leaves. I have asked lots of people how it feels. It appears most people don’t notice it themselves. He seems to be very sneaky that way. I once tried to convince someone that he had just become Willem Dafoe, but he didn’t believe me. It was like he was ashamed. Then, while looking at his girlfriend, Willem Dafoe entered his body once more, and did that thing with the finger again. It’s like he tries to make me look a fool in public and wants revenge for every little thing I do or say about him.

The only reason I can write this about him, without pissing him off, is that he never reads livejournal and that he is currently in the kitchen making toast. He is whistling and I can smell the slightly burned cheese.

“No email from Paul yet, I wonder if Michael will bother to pass on my email.”

“Michael Bolton is really bad at passing on e-mails. Don’t get your hopes up. I once wanted to ask Paul McCartney if I could borrow his boat, but didn’t have his e-mail, so I asked Michael to send it to him. Michael that bastard never did anything. It turned out it was easier just giving Paul a call. Of course he didn’t let me borrow his boat.”

Dear Livejournal diary. Yesterday I annoyed people at work. That was fun. I have to do it again sometime.

Today I ate Indian food with morfeusz and briseis. I had spinach and cheese. Mmm, cheese… good. We talked about livejournal and different communities and how some people just write about specific things. I think I am the kind of person who will only write about writing on livejournal and livejournal itself, like I am doing today.

Obviously, as you may (or not may) see, I am in metamood. I also want a fanclub of girls with colourful hair.